It's not as if we haven't been down this road before. It's not as if we don't know what to expect. But a lot of things have changed since our last embryo adoption. There has been a lot of growth. But it hasn't been easy. Complete devastation, confusion, and heartache ensued after our miscarriage from the last embryo adoption. We felt confused by God's actions and even more confused by his seeming silence afterwards.
Once again these little embryos have come to us in such a way that feels miraculous. We weren't searching, we hadn't even begun to think about where we were going after the miscarriage. This time around however, when I received a call , out of the blue, from someone, who knew someone, who had frozen embryos, I can't say I was as excited as the first time. Sure the idea of finding another amazing, awesome donor was great but the idea of going through it all again scared me to death. So, maybe more fear than excitement was present.
I'd like to say I have been still and silent because I was willing to 'wait' on God and his timing. That'd be a lie. I've been paralyzed at times by fear, anger, and self-doubt. I've been unable and unwilling to take any steps. Unable to give up the trust it requires to let go and let God work and too angry with God to care what his future plans for my life were. I spent more time drowning myself in numbing agents so I didn't have to move, think. . .ACT, than I did seeking Gods comfort and his plan for my life.
My biggest life lesson:
Letting go. Trusting God.
I'm not sure I will ever master it but I do feel some progress in the last year or so. I feel like it's about living GRATEFULLY in the moment and not looking ahead to what might be, not dwelling on what isn't reality, not taking life into my own hands and trying to force a reality that isn't meant for me. It's more about just being aware of and LIKING right where your life is, RIGHT NOW.
Is it about not obsessing over the things I cannot control? Is it about living your life, The one right here, right now, the one you woke up to, to the fullest, despite the unknown? I don't know if that's the whole of it all but those two questions seem to be answered for me with a 'yes'.
I have been given so much. My life is so blessed. How can I not be thankful for what I have? How can I not take what has been given to me and use it fully, happily, and gratefully? In the end it's a choice. I can choose to be angry, bitter, and unhappy about not having a family in the way I always dreamed it should be, or I can open my eyes to the things around me and know that what I do have is enough. It's a choice to find peace and joy in what God plans to give to me and understanding it will come in the right time. Take that thought train one more mile down the road with me here. . .it also requires not fixating on something that you want so badly that when God gives you his PERFECT gift for you, you discard it like trash too blinded by your own plans to see the gift as a perfect gift.
A new journey has begun for us again. It is similar, there will be landmarks we've seen before but I believe we are better equipped this time. Our sights are set on success of course but we choose to let go and trust God and have happy, thankful adventures along the way. Right now, no success seems dreadfully devastating to me, but I know all too well it is a possibility. This thought can make me a paralyzed mess. I don't have what it takes to go through another failed attempt. But then I remember I don't have to have what it takes, I just have to have the where-with-all to know who to lean on if that is where he takes us. (honestly, this, in and of itself, is not at all an easy task for me, but I choose to give that kind of trust a try. I choose to do my best to fully lean on God.)
Movement is better than being stationary. We choose now to pull our feet out of the tight weeds of fear and uncertainty that have choked out any movement and growth in the past and move forward because God is leading us to. We ask for prayers to fight off those choke weeds that want to wrap around our growing lives and choke out our movement. We know God has this new adventure in his hands. We pray that we will know how to leave it there. Not in a paralyzed, do nothing, fearful kind of way but in a fluid, keep on living and enjoying what he has already given us kind of way while waiting patiently for what he has for us in the future.