Wednesday, August 28, 2013
We've all been there at one time or another.
A friend who you have given so much of yourself to has asked for your trust, help and time and in turn has betrayed you, broken a promise, mislead you, lied to you. etc. We are at first confused by their ways, we get angry, we push away, we get angrier and then we decide to let it go. We realize the anger and bitterness towards that person is only bringing you down and it's not worth the energy so we release it. But, in the place of anger and bitterness we have built this wall that is secure enough so that friend can never penetrate so deeply again. We talk to them. We wish them well but the relationship will never be the same again. You can't allow it to be. You will not allow yourself to be hurt like that ever again.
Lets take this scenario into hypothetical thought now. . .
Time has passed and you feel as if you have truly let the past lie in the past. Anger and bitterness no longer relate to that relationship but there really isn't much of a deep relationship anyway. You see that friend on a weekly basis, you proclaim your devotion to that friendship and do things to nurture it yet that wall you created is still standing tall and as strong as ever. You're close but not that close.
What if that friendship started to require your full trust again? What if your friend came to you and asked you to trust them in a similar situation? How do you break down that wall? How do you release your heart?
What if this 'friend' I speak of is God?
I have been in a struggle for a couple months now. It's not as if God needs our forgiveness. I know he has promised to never betray us but what happens when you FEEL betrayed? How do you break that wall, how do you jump over that wall of fear and trust again? As it turns out the wall is keeping things from getting too deep but it seems to now be trapping you from going deeper too.
I want to release it. I thought I had released it and then when I am put to the test I realize I haven't. When the deepest hurt you have ever felt is connected to the one you thought would protect you from such hurt or when you find yourself silently placing blame on the almighty, how do you break free?
I don't know. I built a pretty sturdy walls. I'm using this spoon here to chisel a hole but most days I am afraid of what opening that hole looks like and I do nothing.
I really don't have the answer to this. I'd love some input from someone who gets it. I need another perspective. If you have one, add to the dialogue, ok? I have committed myself to daily chiseling away the wall and searching for the answer. So, I guess, consider this a Part One.
We are only a month or so away from doing another embryo transfer and I am very much aware of how afraid I am to ask God for blessings and help in this situation. I am not intentionally excluding Him from it. I have prayed for his will, his peace and his direction but I am not able to ask for a miracle again. My prayers center more around "God, if this becomes another lost pregnancy or non-pregnancy I don't think I could emotionally handle it so if that's what you're gonna do please don't let me go through all of this at all." kind of prayer. Even me being this transparent with the world is scary to me. I was so fully sure of what God was going to give us last time that I declared it from the mountain tops to anyone who was willing to listen but this time around I can't ask for a miracle, I can't even allow myself to think on it too long and I struggle with talking to anyone about it this time around. I want to be a beacon of hope for the sake of God. I want to be someone who can tell a story of miraculous measures. But, there is this voice in my head that tells me 'God must not trust you enough for such a life.' 'God didn't give you what you thought he intended to give you last time, what makes you think he will this time?' I tell that voice to shut it's ugly mouth but it's stubborn and loud.
I ran with banner and trumpet in hand leading up to our last embryo adoption. But, two and a half years later I take small shaky steps forward. They are so tentative and unsure but the only thing I do feel leading about is to just keep moving. So I'm moving, but I think movement would be easier if I could break these chains of feeling betrayed.
Anyone got a buzz saw for these chains?
The thought I am dwelling on today is this:
Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.