As you know my best friend was given the news of a baby on the way at the same time as I was. In fact, we had the same due date. She is getting ready to welcome her lovely little man in about 18 days (give or take) and well, I'm getting ready to go on vacation.
My husband and I decided to get out of Dodge during the time we would have been meeting our little angels. Seemed better to be off exploring someplace new, embarking on a little adventure and making different memories to have for those dates than to be home dwelling on what might have been.
I've spent the last 6-7 months agonizing over what might have been. Joyfully though, I have been feeling the cloud lifting and seeing closure on the horizon. Most of the time it has been an ugly reminder of those awful "what if's" every time I saw my friend. I would try to push past, get together with her, talk to her on the phone, ask about her pregnancy as much as I could but it usually was followed by a hard cry on the way home or after hanging up the phone. I felt guilty for not being there for her, I felt incredibly jealous of her, which usually brought on more guilt and then I felt sad for not being a better friend to her. I even chickened out and skipped her baby shower. I just couldn't do it and I didn't want to be sad while I was there. (I have sort of run out of the energy/ability to fake it these days) But, I have been feeling something different in the last week or so. Interest. Genuine interest in how things are progressing. How's she's been feeling. I've daydreamed about her as a momma, I've been anxious to see him and hold him. I've been kinda, excited to become his Aunt Mo.
I sat at the sewing machine last night finishing a couple of quilts for her and her little man and realized I was happy for her. I was imagining him all wrapped up in them. I was imagining watching him grow and wondering what he would be like. He's probably gonna be a real stinker! I was excited for her. I wasn't jealous anymore. OK, that's only partially true, there still is some jealousy, that just comes with the package of being an infertile. It's not debilitating jealousy though. I have been wanting to pick up the phone all day and just catch up with her. Tell her there is no more taboo subjects, tell her to tell me whatever she wants to. I want to get past this weirdness and just be her friend. These thoughts make me happy. First for our friendship, but also for me. I guess it is a good sign healing is taking place.
Sure there is progress to be had, I haven't actually called her. I'm afraid my heart will fail me again. What if I'm not ready yet? Fact is, I have been in a self involved, self protecting, fearful of the sting protective bubble since my miscarriage and I stand at the surface of that bubble now with a stick pin, raised and positioned to puncture that bubble. I just can't quite make that next move. I lean in and get close, but then I jerk my hand back. I take another deep breath and lift my hand again and nudge myself, It's OK Mandy, do it, move on, burst open that bubble and take a step towards the next path.
I want to. I can see/imagine life with out this burden of sorrow. I think that is improvement. In time, I'll break free, I'll shake it. I have actually been feeling peace lately too. In my head, in my heart the voices of fear and doubt have quieted. I can, most of the time, rest in knowing that my God has a plan. I rest in knowing that letting go is actually easier. I breath when I start to panic, I pray a little prayer for strength and I take another step. Yes, I'll take these little moments as victory. And in 18 days I will become Aunt Mo to probably one of the cutest boys I'll ever meet and while becoming mommy would be better. . . I'm not gonna let that thought get in the way of spoiling a little guy like only an Aunt Mo can!