I want to be able to write words of faith and encouragement.
I want people to read and feel strengthened in their walk with or to Christ.
I want to be known as an encourager, not a downer.
The fact is, all I feel as of late is discouragement.
I want it to go away.
I want to feel a new sense of life and purpose,
but WANT is all I got right now.
I am a firm believer in being transparent, in being honest in this walk with Christ.
I have spent too many years listening to Christians tell me how 'good' their life is and pretending to be 'good' when they are not.
They believe that is what they are supposed to do.
Like feeling doubtful or discouraged must mean we are not good enough Christians.
We will never be good enough, that's the beauty of GRACE and FORGIVENESS. It requires NOTHING of me.
This is why I vow to be transparent, be who I am and say what I am thinking, because I cannot believe that there are not 'good' christians feeling the same way or have felt this way at some point in their walk. I refuse to be a hypocrite for the sake of appearances.
Know this, I realize that reading my laments for months on end can probably get old and make me appear to be negative or a drama queen.
This is why I have been quiet for over a month, I don't want to sound like a whiner and yet this is what is in my heart.
I hope someone reads it and at least feels some kind of connection, some kind of encouragement of knowing they aren't alone.
Maybe too, I'll hear from some of you who read this and find encouragement from your words.
That's what this walk is all about right, being transparent with each other so that we can find strength in each other?
God created the need for the support of others within us for a reason. He likes when we build relationships, when we reach out to others to support and strengthen.
So, know, I pray that my words are not discouraging but in some way, encouraging.
Here is the latest thing I've written. . . .
I wish I had words for this blog. But lately, they just won't come.
I really want to be POSITIVE, HAPPY and HOPEFUL.
Most of the time I feel that I achieve that.
However, there is this more ever-present cloud of "What is the point?" that has started to creep into my sunny days.
Let's say for just a moment that all I have ever wished for or expected out of life may never come to reality.
What if mommy-hood was never slated into my life path?
What if it was never God's intent to give me that responsibility?
Then, I ask, what is the point?
Yes, What is the point of. . . LIFE?
Isn't that what humans do? Pass on ourselves to our offspring?
Isn't that what gives most lives meaning?
We learn, we work, we live, we do so that our children can learn, work, live and do.
We create memories, we create traditions with our children so that they remember us, so that they will do the same for those that come after them. But when that element of life is slipping from your grasp, when you are staring in the face, nose to nose, the ugly truth that you may never pass anything on to anyone, well, it seems natural to ask yourself, "What is the point?' .
When you have spent your whole life, thirty some years full throttle towards a goal it is extremely difficult to stop, let alone re-teach yourself a new way to run.
When all you've known is thoughts and actions to take you towards a particular life path, changing directions at the last moment can be catastrophic.
It won't look pretty and it will be confusing, it will slow you down, it will steel your will power and strength.
It will steal your joy.
I stand here close to the finish line of my goals of parenthood only to find out that there is no finish line. The path to the finish line has dwindled out and I stand in a desert with no reference point to know the direction to take. It's unbearable out hear in this desolate place. There are mirages here and I run to them only to find nothing. I want to be rescued, I want a purpose but it seems the wind just keeps blowing and the sand gets in my eyes.
This 'what is the point?' place in life is a scary place to be.
Evil creeps in and whispers awful things in your ear that if you give those things time with thought,
those things could ruin your life.
those things could ruin your life.
I choose to ignore.
I somedays fear that I don't have a lot of fight left in me.
I will be still and know that He is God but my fear and anxieties overtake me.
I WILL STILL TRY.
I will search and listen for His voice.
I think my fear and confusion is too loud in my head to hear His words.
It seems like He is being mighty quiet these days.
I believe he will not leave me in this desert for long but,
He obviously sees me to be stronger than I see myself to be.
I haven't lost faith in Him, I have just lost faith in nearly everything else I have ever known.
I PRESS ON.
Some days I go through the motions.
Some days I feel hope.
I am ready to move on, I think.
Then my heart betrays me and I realize I haven't yet.
God's comfort is seen some days.
Some days I feel nothing, total numbness.
Praying for healing.
Too impatient for it to come.
The clouds are black and thick.
The SON peaks through in tiny rays.
Be good to me oh God - and now!
I've run to you for dear life.
I call out to the high God,
the one who holds me together. (1-3)
I'm ready God,
ready from head to toe.
Ready to sing, ready to raise a tune.
Wake up, Soul! (7-8)
(The Message - My edit)