According to Google Translate that is "I'm going to Africa!" (in Swahili)
I left you hanging for a long time, I know. I'll sum up all the events here as concisely as possible, ok?
Ok, where did I leave off??
The adoption agencies both denied us of any refund of money. Honestly, I try not to dwell on it. I'm left feeling like I have been a victim of highway robbery (note to self, google origin of that phrase, interesting) yet, I know "business is business" right? Eh, not all that consoling for me, so I choose not to dwell on it 'cuz, well, I have enough pent up anger I am dealing with, I'll let this one go. Truth is, God's been good to us financially, we're managing, I'm only working part time, so I will chalk that up to blessings beyond what I deserve.
So, with an answer of "no" from both agencies I took that as a "not right now" answer and told my sister-in-law ( the organizer of the trip) that I wasn't gonna make it on this years mission trip. I was disappointed but I felt like it was a test of sorts. Was I gonna react in anger and confusion or was I gonna react in peace of knowing God was in control and had a plan? I chose the latter and found peace in that choice. Two days after making the phone call and letting my sister-in-law know it wasn't gonna happen, I had lunch with an old friend. (She's not old, not at all, in fact, I haven't spent a lot of time with her since High School and she hasn't aged a bit! This Girl, looks amazing for being a mother, wife, and business owner! Oh, father time, please be that good to me!??!?) Old friend, as in, I haven't spent a lot of time with her recently.... ANyWAy.... We had a good lunch, we talked smoothly and freely, it was nice. Honestly, I never expected us to click in anyway, we were acquaintances in High School, had known each other forever, I was sure she was cooler than me in High School and I was even more convinced of it before we had lunch! I was nervous to meet with her! But, to my surprise, I very much enjoyed our time together. Close to the end of our lunch, she questioned me about my trip to Kenya, (She had read my blog) and asked how things were going with finding the money. I kind of half heartedly told her about not being able to get back any money from the agencies, that the deadline had already passed us up and that I had pretty much decided to give up on that hope. She went on to offer me funding IN FULL for the trip.
"Are you sure?"
"What in the world?"
"No, you cant do that!"
"I'm not worthy of such a gift!"
These were all things I was thinking and trying to say.
When we left I called my sister-in-law immediately and left a message for her! We were one day past the deadline. Maybe, just maybe, there was still a way. Regardless of whether there was or not I was once again SHOCKED by this amazing gift I was being offered. I didn't understand it, I couldn't figure out why people were offering little, old, weird, screwed up, totally undeserving me, such amazing things!?
Long story, a bit shorter, I was able to squeeze in past the deadline, there was just enough seats reserved on the plane for one more and after a few days to think about it....My friend stood by her decision to be led by God and paid my way to Kenya.
Here is what I know, I have been for years, thinking that I am not good enough for the blessings of God. Well, technically, I'm not, but despite my screwed up self, God chooses to continue to bless me. I have never felt adequate. I have never felt special. (Not just spiritually but emotionally, physically, all the other -ally's you can name - - never adequate or special) I have never really known the Love of God until now. My infertility hurts, BADLY, daily, minute by minute, second by second, but without it, I would not know God really, really loves me. You see? I have been praying for awhile, "God I know I'm not good enough. I understand that I screw up a lot and I get why you are withholding your love from me." I prayed for forgiveness for things that He has already forgotten, I prayed for the strength to be a better me, I prayed for understanding and I prayed for His love. What I didn't realize until now is that God has been screaming out to me through other people,
"I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!"
"CANT YOU SEE?!?!?!"
"I GIVE YOU THIS LOVE THROUGH THE GOODNESS OF OTHERS!!!"
"YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THE AMAZING GIFT I GAVE YOU ON THE CROSS SO I SEND TO YOU OTHERS WHO ARE WILLING TO GIVE YOU GREAT GIFTS!!"
" YOU ARE MY CHILD AND I DECLARE YOU WORTHY OF MY LOVE!!"
For whatever reason, I am no longer pregnant, I want to be, there are days I spend in bed, still, cuz I want it so badly. I know how close I was to it, I go crazy because I can't have it! But I do know, God loves me, He is showing me that through the unselfish generosity of others. It really doesn't ease the pain of barrenness but it does help in letting me take a new step in a different direction. A step I wouldn't be taking if I were painting a nursery instead. God has a plan, I choose to follow it, even when it's uncomfortable. Because this, this uncomfortableness is better, happier, more fulfilling than anything else I have ever known...ever.