Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Trying To Hear The Whispers

I know in the past I have claimed, complained and cried out about not being able to recognize God working in my life, I have felt on many occasions in the last year or two that He is being painfully silent with me.  I wont lie, this feeling of isolation is dreadfully painful.  But I have discovered a few things in the last month or so, I thought I would share.

In the weeks after my miscarriage I had no desire to leave the house, get dressed or get out of bed. When I did get out of bed it was to go plop myself in front of the TV to watch some mindless movie or show. It couldn't be too funny, I didn't want to laugh, and it couldn't be to serious or sad, I didn't want to feel.  Scary thing is, there was still A LOT of things to choose from.

As I sat there doing my best not to feel or think anything, I remember the verse "Be still and know that I am God." kept running through my head.  At the time, it kinda made me mad.  I was being a brat and I was pouting at God. Sad, but true. As the days past and things started to get back to normal, as in, I got out of bed, took showers, left the house on occasion.  I started to realize God was trying to tell me something in that verse. Maybe He was speaking to me after all.  I felt a strong sense that the 'Be Still' part of the verse was where the emphasis was.

I have been so busy with life and friends and school and work, that towards the end of 2010 Brad and I both were running from here to there constantly, I was only getting between 4-6 hours of sleep a night, every day was full of some activity or another and I kept cramming more into my life.  I think I was doing this for a few reasons.  I was so involved and dedicated to school because I had a strong desire to prove myself good at something.  I was keeping myself so busy with events and tasks because then I didn't have to think about the root of my issues, infertility, failure, being lost. Every day I pushed, and every hour I choose to do something else other than rest, was a way for me to prove my worth and maybe even punish myself a little bit for the failure I felt.

In the last few weeks however I feel like God has been whispering over and over again, "Be Still".  For me as a whole the verse was translating into my real life as, 'I am God, I've got this under control, but I need you to rest, relieve the stress and quite pressing so hard so that you can be healthy, mentally and physically when I am ready. Just be still. Rest, rejuvenate, relax.'  Or, ya know, in Mandy paraphrasing, 'take a load off for pete sakes you're gonna kill yourself at this rate!'

So I am doing just that, as awkward as it may feel, I am trying to stay home more often, take on less responsibilities, get to bed on time, eat right, take deep breaths, read a book for fun, take time to stop and actually read the Bible and pray (no more on the go stuff), I make dinner for my husband, clean the kitchen more often, vacuum the floors more often, take walks, ride my bike to the grocery store etc. It feels great until the feeling of not being good enough or not contributing enough starts to creep back in and I decide, maybe, I could go back to work full time and do school, maybe I could pick up another part time job here or there and make a little extra money.  I start making a list of the two billion things I want to get done and then the whisper returns, "Be still and know that I am God."  and I take a deep breath and stop. Just stop.  I sit in my old chair in the sunroom, the one that I believe was built many many years ago, destined for my butt in my sunroom.  Every time I sit there it feels right, feels like it was built just for me, covered in its 1960's lime green upholstery reminding me of days gone by.  I sit there and rest my head back and feel the silence overtake me.
 "God, I'm being still, see?"

Even Lola finds solace in this chair.


  1. My daughter just spent a week at a silent monastery where they were suppose to just "Be Still". She had a lot of time for Bible reading, praying, and listening. I think God does speak a lot if we are still and listen.

  2. I think Joanna, if we don't do it voluntarily we will be forced to eventually. I too think God speaks most when things are still and quiet.

  3. I'm learning through your experiences! Love you, my Mandy girl!

  4. I just have to say I love love love that chair!!! It is beautiful! I see why it is your place! :) Being still is something that us women do not know how to do... Make sure it is embedded into your brain because when you do become a mother (and I know you will!!! God has great plans for you!) You will need to remember to be still some days or you will go crazy! It is something that I struggle with all the time. I just want to do this thing, and then this and help out here, and run here, and oh this needs cleaned, or this needs done... But sometimes we need to just rest. Stop and Be Still! :) Thanks for this great post!