In the weeks after my miscarriage I had no desire to leave the house, get dressed or get out of bed. When I did get out of bed it was to go plop myself in front of the TV to watch some mindless movie or show. It couldn't be too funny, I didn't want to laugh, and it couldn't be to serious or sad, I didn't want to feel. Scary thing is, there was still A LOT of things to choose from.
As I sat there doing my best not to feel or think anything, I remember the verse "Be still and know that I am God." kept running through my head. At the time, it kinda made me mad. I was being a brat and I was pouting at God. Sad, but true. As the days past and things started to get back to normal, as in, I got out of bed, took showers, left the house on occasion. I started to realize God was trying to tell me something in that verse. Maybe He was speaking to me after all. I felt a strong sense that the 'Be Still' part of the verse was where the emphasis was.
I have been so busy with life and friends and school and work, that towards the end of 2010 Brad and I both were running from here to there constantly, I was only getting between 4-6 hours of sleep a night, every day was full of some activity or another and I kept cramming more into my life. I think I was doing this for a few reasons. I was so involved and dedicated to school because I had a strong desire to prove myself good at something. I was keeping myself so busy with events and tasks because then I didn't have to think about the root of my issues, infertility, failure, being lost. Every day I pushed, and every hour I choose to do something else other than rest, was a way for me to prove my worth and maybe even punish myself a little bit for the failure I felt.
In the last few weeks however I feel like God has been whispering over and over again, "Be Still". For me as a whole the verse was translating into my real life as, 'I am God, I've got this under control, but I need you to rest, relieve the stress and quite pressing so hard so that you can be healthy, mentally and physically when I am ready. Just be still. Rest, rejuvenate, relax.' Or, ya know, in Mandy paraphrasing, 'take a load off for pete sakes you're gonna kill yourself at this rate!'
"God, I'm being still, see?"
|Even Lola finds solace in this chair.|