Monday, March 28, 2011

WHY - The Difficult, Despicable, Awful, Taunting, Dirty Little Word

Psalms 38

O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger 
or discipline me in your rage!
Your arrows have struck deep, 
and your blows are crushing me.
Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;  
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me. 
It is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink  because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.  
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me, and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
 My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind.
My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease. 
Even my own family stands at a distance.
Meanwhile, my enemies lay traps to kill me. 
Those who wish me harm make plans to ruin me.
All day long they plan their treachery.
But I am deaf to all their threats.
I am silent before them as one who cannot speak.
I choose to hear nothing,
and I make no reply.
For I am waiting for you, O Lord.
You must answer for me, O Lord my God.
I prayed, “Don’t let my enemies gloat over me
or rejoice at my downfall.”
I am on the verge of collapse,
 facing constant pain.
But I confess my sins;
I am deeply sorry for what I have done.
I have many aggressive enemies;
they hate me without reason.
They repay me evil for good
and oppose me for pursuing good.
Do not abandon me, O Lord.
Do not stand at a distance, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my savior.

I have spent a lot of time asking 'why' these days, only to find myself going round and round in circles and growing more and more frustrated and angry.

     *Why did we meet these oh so amazing people willing to offer such a great gift, for it to only end this way?

     *Why did I even have to get pregnant?

     *Why did I have to miscarry?

     *Why do I have to be the reason why my husband will never be a daddy?

     *Why do I feel like I am letting him down and disappointing him all the time, despite his constant reassurances?

     *Why is God doing this?

     *Why didn't God allow this to be THE MIRACLE we were all hoping for?

     *Why is it that on the same day I found out I was pregnant was the same day I found out my best friend was pregnant and that we would have the exact same due date?

     *Why did I have to loose a baby and a best friend at the same time?

     *Why is it that now I can't share in her joy and she can't share in my sorrow?

     *Why can't I look at anyone in the eyes anymore?

     *Why does it hurt to act normal again?

     *Why do I feel so much shame?
     *Why is this anger so overwhelming at times?

     *Why is it that my greatest desire in life has ALWAYS been to be a mom?

     *Why has God chosen that my greatest infliction in life is that I may never get to be a mom?

     *Why cant I stop asking 'why'?

     *Why is it so hard to know what God wants from me?

     *Why does it seem like he has walked away?

So, then I try to take a step back. I scold myself.  I shouldn't be throwing this pitty party.  No one likes a whiner.  "Stop being such a drama queen Mandy, this is life, sometimes it suck and there is nothing you can do about it!"  I then make a choice, I will have hope, I will move on, be happy for the blessings I do have. I will continue down the road to find my way to Mommy Land.

Having hope is a choice, at least that is how I see it.  When you chose to give up, life gets dark and scary so, you have to choose to have hope.  Until now, thats how I saw it.  But I am a living example of the phrase 'running out of hope'.  Hope isn't supposed to hurt is it?  Maybe it is.  I am sitting here scared by the thought of hoping again, paralyzed. I cannot stand the thought of failing again.  I cannot stand the thought of seeing my husband so broken by failing again.  I am scared to give anything another thought.  I'm scared of what it will do to me, to us.  Funny, I thought choosing to give up brought fear. . . I chose hope and I am still feeling darkness and fear.   This is where the round and round thoughts take a turn back to 'WHY, DAMN IT!! WHY??'

I want to rest in the arms of God and know that he has it all under control.  I want to have enough faith, I want that thought to be enough to give me peace.  I meditate on it throughout the day I listen to music trying to increase my faith,  I read the bible and books to find that peace only to be knocked to my knees with more questions of why, hit with a wave of anger, shame, fear, and confusion.  I want to trust God in his ways but it is beginning to hurt too much to trust anything or anyone.

I am also a big believer in the phrase.  "Fake it 'til you make it."  Here is what I mean by this.  There are truths you believe in.  Promises of God that you know are true and base your life on.  But in times like this it so hard to completely rest in them; to believe in them whole-heartedly.  So, despite your doubts, you keep living them until your heart and head are in alignment once again. "fake it 'til you make it."  I am trying to fake it, I want to make it, but the road there seems longer than it has ever before.

Just so it is said, I still have hope it's a sliver but it's hope none the less.  I think if I could just give up this dream and this quest it would be easier.  It would eliminate the failure threat each month, it would close this hole in my heart. My husband and I could rearrange our dreams and move on, but that sliver of hope that still exists is an incredibly strong thread of hope.  Our thoughts for now is that maybe, just maybe being pregnant for a short time will have woken up my body so that it now knows what it is supposed to be doing.  I have decided to detoxify, deny the western medicine techniques and try a whole body approach and see what the eastern medicine theories has to offer.  Did you know that there isn't even a word in Chinese Medicine for infertility?  The closest translation is, imbalance.  So as I pop my many many pills of herbs, and vitamins,  drink my shakes and juices, while I follow homeopathic methods to restoring balance I can only hope that my wishing that it was a couple of sleeping pills and a shot of Jack Daniel's fades over time and that I will restore happiness and hope along with balance and good energy flow.  I will keep seeking peace in Gods arms and when I start asking why I will try to turn my 'WHY's' into 'THANK YOU's'.

You see despite this one thing I don't have in life, God as given me a lot of other good things.  I cannot forget those things.  So when the WHY train blows its horn for departure I am gonna do my best to wave it past and instead jump on the THANK YOU train.  I hear it's got really comfy seats,  good food and great music.  I'd rather ride that train.


  1. Mandy~ We will only know the answers to our Whys when we have finally gone home for the last time. Sometimes God lets us see the answers on this side, but only once we get to Heaven will we be able to see His beautiful masterpiece and will all the pieces finally fit together and we can look back and say, Oh so that is why this happened. I will continue to pray for you and Brad that God may fill you both with His peace.

  2. My dearest and best friend ... you haven't lost me! I haven't gone anywhere nor will I ever! You may not have the heart right now to share in my joy, but I have the heart to share in your sorrow. My heart aches for you, I pray for always ... asking God to bless you with your miracle and I have the hope (faith) you are lacking right now to believe He will provide!

    I have heard it said that sometimes a woman's body needs to miscarry in order to carry a baby. I pray the path you're on right now is the one to make it possible for you to carry your miracle.

    I love you and miss you ... I miss our giggle filled conversations, I miss your smile, I miss you more than words can say!

  3. In the words from a geeky movie: "Never give up! Never surrender!"
    Love you, girl.