Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The End

I have another post all written out full of hope and happiness....

We did the Embryo Transfer the first part of January.  We waited the two weeks and got the best news we could have ever heard. We were pregnant!  The doc told us to repeat a blood test in 10 days to monitor levels and if it all looked good we'd get to see our miracle through an ultrasound.  Ecstatic, elated, overjoyed,  those words do not even begin to describe the happiness we felt.  We were being cautious at first.  Didnt want to get too excited but as the week passed on we finally let our guard down.  WE WERE GOING TO BE PARENTS! Two days later however I repeated the blood test and I got a call from the Doc that afternoon.  "well honey," She started (like she knew me.  Like calling me honey would ease the blow of what she was about to say at all...)  "It looks like your HCG numbers fell a little bit. (not even by 100) We will probably have you stop meds now, ok?"

I was shocked and scared, "what do you mean?" I asked

"Well, we need to see your numbers double every 48 hours and yours didnt, honey."  (STOP SAYING THAT!!! I AM NOT YOUR HONEY!!!)

I asked again, "So what does that mean?" I knew but I was searching for hope in her answer.

"Well, there is no more need for your meds so you can stop them now." If we had been standing face to face I may have slapped her, I wanted to shout "SPIT IT OUT YOU COWARD!!!"


"Yes, honey, you are. A miscarriage is eminent."

I argued a bit about the fact that maybe the test results were wrong, maybe I was pregnant with multiples and had only lost one, I begged her to tell me there was still hope.  She agreed to re-order the blood work for the following day.  She told me to take my meds for one more day until the 2nd test came back. It came back and confirmed everything they had said the day before.  I had only a week ago called my husband at work in tears barely able to speak through the crying to tell him we were pregnant, a little over a week later I called him again, more tears, sobbing and barely able to speak, "It didnt work."

"What do you mean?'
"They said I will miscarry, the baby didnt survive"
"How can they be sure, are they sure?"

I hung up, unable to breath, or speak, I was laying in the floor as if all the life I had within me had suddenly disappeared.  It was over, I couldn't believe it. . .

Brad rushed home and we stood in our dining room where about a week ago we laughed and did silly happy dances together and sobbed uncontrollably in each others arms. Our big hope, we had staked all our hope in this opportunity.  We were sure this was the miracle God was providing.  But now, it all seemed like a cruel joke.  We felt jacked around, manipulated and angry.  Our big story of Gods providence and love, the way all of this fell into place now seemed very very very pointless.

I stopped the meds and then had to wait six more days for my body to actually take care of the miscarriage.  Those were agonizing days.  A hope of a miracle one second to only collapse into tears of unbelief the next.  Then when the miscarriage began, it was like hearing the news all over again.

This is still raw, and I am still angry and heartbroken.  I have no words of hope, I feel no hope.  The thought of carrying on life as usual is unbearable to me. I quit school for the time being and I plan to just rest.  I have realized that for three years I have been pushing and pushing trying to prove myself, to myself.  Trying to exceed at one thing because I continually fail at something else,  month after month.  Maybe a break is in order.  Life seems a bit pointless and foggy to me.  I guess time to clear my head is needed. . . .  And for now, thats all I'll say, I am too angry to post any feelings,  I am too numb to really know what those feelings are. It may be hard for those who have never experienced it to understand, but I feel like the love of my life has died.  I never got to meet them, I  never got to see their hearts beating or feel there tiny hands in mine, but I am now very aware of  the hole in my life they created now that they are gone. And for missing out on their lives, for them being taken from me, I'm angry. . .

I guess its a good sign when you can start putting your feelings onto paper, this was my first shot at it.

Just a Barren Woman
Where are you? 
I need a little clarity.
I feel like a homeless man
Begging for some charity.
I just want what every one else has got.
What we were made to be, except me, I’m not.
I’m just a barren woman,
There is no life within me.
I’m just a barren woman,
Please Lord, come and save me.
‘Jesus wept.’ is what is said about you
But I can't help but wonder,
Does my situation make you blue?
You say you're always with me, sure,
My head knows it’s true
 But for you to sit there so quietly
 Seems hurtful and rude.
I’m just a broken woman,
My heart is broken too.
I’m just a broken woman,
Who is crying out to you.
Ctrl+alt+del, backspace, 
Escape, unplug,
Technology has failed me, 
There is no miracle drug.
You’ve planted deep within me 
A passion that will not die
But you’ve extracted from me the ability 
And left me here to cry.
I’m just a barren woman,
Without the control to change it.
I’m just a barren woman,
Hopeless, angry, desperate
Guide me oh thou great Jehovah
Cuz I really want to follow,
But this valley of the shadow of death 
Is more than I can swallow.
It’s just a simple request,
A child of my own.
Why do you deny me
Is this me reaping the seeds I've sown?
I’m just a broken woman,
My hope is wearing thin.
I’m just a broken woman,
Failing again and again.


  1. Mandy~

    I can not begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I will be praying for you. God has a plan and you just have to hold on to His promises! He loves you so much.

  2. I have no magic words of encouragement or inspiration, my heart is just heavy for my dearest friend. Part of my excitement for us died too! Our childhood dream gone ...

    I love you, as a sister and I will always be here for you!