Friday, January 7, 2011

Daily Thoughts...

Every day is new. Every day symbolizes a new beginning.  We, however, put more importance on the start of a new year.  Big plans are made, goals are set and we perceive the turning of the calendar as a new, fresh, clean slate.  In God’s eyes every day is like that.
I am usually not a 'New Years Resolution' kinda girl.  I guess I just feel like if you are gonna start something, START IT.  There is no need to wait for the calendar to dictate a new beginning.  Besides, it creates too much pressure which is why most of the time people fail.  Any-who....
I say all that to say that life has a funny way of making a liar out of you.  I resist the 'new year, new you' thought process but this year has the potential for a definite 'new year, new you' kind of transformation. 
Some of this info may cross that TMI line but hear me out, I promise I wont tell you more than necessary for impact purposes, OK?  When we were in Cleveland we were told that when my next cycle started is when I would begin my medication to prepare my body for the embryo's to be transfered.  Well, while this news was good it was once again another test for my patience.  I had just started a cycle about 4 days prior to our visit which meant we would have to wait almost a month to start things up.  Ugh, I thought, but really the wait was easy, but when my start day came and went I started to get impatient.   One, two, three, four, FIVE days later the frustration was over.  I kept laughing at the irony of it all. (at least I think this is a good use for the word irony??)  For three years I was angry every time my cycle started over because it meant failure.  But this time around I was excited for that day, I wanted it to start, I was anxious for it to come and wouldn't you know it....It was late! Sheesh.....I guess another test in resting in the knowledge that I am not at all in charge!
Well that day came and I got all my meds and paperwork out and wrote down the date on my little chart and then I realized it, it was January 1, 2011  (1/1/11).  Yes, I liked this late start even more.  It was a new year, and it is already a new me and I am ready for this new chapter to begin.  “OK, I’m fine with the late start.”  I thought. “I like this date better, it has more meaning.”
As I have been thinking about it for the last few days I have had quite a few realizations. Funny, ones, profound ones and just cool things  that all relate to this journey.  So I decided that for the month of January I would write down those realizations and thoughts and share them with you.  Don't worry I'll filter out the stuff you don't want to know and the stuff that would make you all fearful that I have lost my mind.  I would hate for you to think that I am crazy....oh wait, most of you do already huh? Thats kinda the draw,right?
"Hey check this out, this girl is kinda loco"'s cool, I have decided to embrace my crazy.
So let me catch you up OK?
January 1, 2011
Kinda cool to start this day with all ones, 1/1/11.  The Beginning - ya know, thats where you start when you start counting.  It's like all of those one's boldly state, "This is the beginning!!!!".
All those ones also make me think of  THE ONE.  With out God working in my heart and in Brads and my lives and the lives of our donor angels we would not be here. If the THE ONE had not been behind the scenes putting all this into place we would not be here. How appropriate that it start on this date.  A lifetime reminder that new beginnings starts with THE ONE.
January 2, 2011
As I popped three pills and grabbed a string cheese on my way to church I thought: "Holy Crap,  This show is officially on the road".  There is no more murky possibilities or pitch black wondering about happening now,  we had a game plan, that game plan is being played out and we are on our way... yeah, I'll say it...HOLY CRAP!  
January 3, 2011
As I popped three pills and grabbed a string cheese on my way to work I thought "Holy Crap,  This show is officially on the road". There is no more murky possibilities or pitch black wondering about happening now,  we had a game plan, that game plan is being played out and  we are on our way... yeah, I'll say it again...HOLY CRAP!  
January 4, 2011
I was feeling pretty normal today, it’s sinking in, I think.  Then I get a text message, It's from my brother Michael:

Hey, did you start hormones yet?  I am so excited for a baby ... or two!!! :oP
LOL yep, sure did, we should be headed back to Cleveland soon!
This is really a big deal, maybe the biggest thing you'll EVER do.  SO HAPPY  FOR YOU!!
I am trying to just take it one day at a time, when I look at the big picture I get a little freaked  out by the magnitude of it all.
Yea, my biggest thought today was HOLY CRAP!  
My brother actually used the word baby.  I have been very carful to not let my mind go there too often.  It is easier to keep my longing in check when I just take the next step and not look at the full picture.  God knows the full picture and I am better off to just take it moment by moment.  But, when I think about where all these steps are headed, I am excited beyond measure, a little freaked out by it and totally, paralyzingly in awe of the miracles up to this point.  
Yes, HOLY CRAP really is the best description I've got.  Its a happy, scared, excited HOLY CRAP, but it is a HOLY CRAP none the less! 

January 5, 2011
Progress tests are scheduled.  Worry is starting to set in.  I sit at my desk and imagine little tiny soldiers called the ‘What if’s’ are marching through my mind, shooting their tiny little guns with tiny little bullets of doubt and self destruction into my thoughts. 

What if your body fails you again.  You are broken you know?

What if doing this so far away from Cleveland creates some kind of communication error that causes you to fail?

What if you do fail, do you have the strength for that?

You know, if you succeed and a baby or two is on its way your  life is gonna change forever.   Do you have what it takes?

Are you going to be a good mother?  Will you screw this up somehow?
Then in passing a good friend of mine used a quote:

There is no room for worry in a heart of worship
I decided right then and there, when those stinkin’ “What if” soldiers come around again I would praise my amazing God, loud and happily.  I am gonna praise my ever-lovin' heart out!  I hear they have no protection against the genuine worship of a Christ follower, it will send them retreating immediately! 
Ha!  Take that you stupid little “What ifs'” with your stupid little guns and your stupid, dirty little bullets! Jerks! 
Hmm, now I wonder, will I have any thoughts worth posting the rest of the month??  Share-able thoughts that is...
This month is proving  to be big, exciting and amazing. I may be silent for awhile.  I think from here I’ll just keep track and fill you in on it all later.
Your prayers are so appreciated.  God is amazing and I hope in some way today, through my silliness that you can see that! 

~The only way to make your dreams come true it to wake up!~

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