Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Well it seems we are off to Cleveland. 

Our little embryos were created and are currently stored at the Cleveland Clinic and it seems going there to have them transferred is our best option.  We have been to two doctors here in Colorado to see if they were willing to do the transfer here.  A bit to our disappointment, both were unwilling to accept embryos into their offices from an outside source.  While life would be easier to have it done here we figure being that the Cleveland Clinic is one of the best hospitals in the states, we can, with confidence, travel there to have the embryo's transferred. 

So, in two weeks we will go to meet the Doctor and have our first consult visit to discuss the procedure and plan when the transfer will take place. 

I feel a bit numb about it all really.  Beyond excited, yes, but I think that there is an element of fear inside me that is not letting me really feel excited.  I feel like I am venturing out onto a rope bridge that is swaying in the wind. I am willing to walk across because my desire to get to the other side outweighs my fear of crossing that unsteady bridge but I have fear none the less.  So, I slowly take steps to get there.  I am being cautious of my heart and fighting with all I have to make it to the other side. I can only hope that the bridge doesn't break before I get there. 

You see, to carry along the analogy, if it breaks and I fall, it will be a long fall.  The chasm below is like the ones you see in the cartoons where the bottoms is so deep you can't even see it from way up here at the top.  I trust God and where He is leading me, fully, more fully than I have ever trusted before. Yet, I fear at times my faith may not be great enough if this path leads me to a failed cycle, no baby.  I want to believe I do, and honestly I don't think about this too often but these are the fears that paralyze at times.

If all goes well, we should be doing the transfer in about 6-8 weeks.  YIKES! I could be prego in two months....Holy Cow! It’s been three years of longing and wondering and waiting and now that we stand so close to the finish line (so to speak) I can hardly believe it. Kinda makes me want to shout, sing and dance a bit!

I was thinking about the last three years yesterday.  I had one of those ah, ha kind of moments too.  While the hurt has been deep and the confusion great, I have learned a lot about myself through this.  I have had the great pleasure of going back to school.  School has opened a world of creativity inside me that I never knew existed.  I can say I am actually thankful for this time in my life.  I can guarantee you that if we had gotten married and started having children right away I would not have ever tapped into this creative pipeline that runs through me.  I wonder now, would I later feel an emptiness that this part of my life now fills? Would I have found myself, rocking a sick child to sleep one night, wondering if there was more out there for me?   I have something now that is mine.  I have a talent, while it may not be a super talent, a talent none the less that I feel comfortable in. 

I used to say, when I was a lost 20-something, that I may not have passion or talent for much now, but when I have children, then I will find my passion.  The best part about the last three years has been that while that statement may still be true for me, I have also found another passion and I guess to have more than one just means I am blessed beyond measure and I am an even more deeply layer person than I was before.  Yeah, I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for God's timing and the spices to life that he brings, we're  so lucky really to be love so greatly by Him.

So, Cleveland bound we go.  We'll be one step closer to making ourselves a family. Come on, do a little jig with me!  This is so exciting! :0)

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