I have been blessed by the miricles of God this week. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it. I have been trying to decide for a week where to begin this story. I told you last time that we had begun the road to Embryo Adoption. Once again, we have been directed down a path only to find out that God has more, different and amazing things planned for us.
The fact is, this new turn of events would never have taken place if many people had ignored the nudge to complete a task that may or may not have made much sense to them at the time. So, this is where I'll begin. Stay with me, and stay tuned because I want you to see it in this order. It may not all make sense until the end. Honestly, I am still trying to completely understand the magnitude of this story, trying to understand why God has poured out so many blessings upon me, despite my doubts, failures and short comings. It can only be described as pure love, poured out to me by my creator. Pure Grace, gifts given with out any strings attached, totally undeserved...Man what a great thought huh?
So in order of events, here we go....
*** While trying to makes sense of the devastation I felt after finding out that I was unable to conceive children I was trying very hard to see it from Gods perspective. (why is it so hard to do that, Why do we, by default, want to blame God for the bad things? Humans, we are so ignorant and selfish. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT US, WE ARE HERE TO SERVE A PURPOSE AND REACH OUT TO OTHERS. This is something I have to remind myself of daily. GET OVER YOURSELF, MANDY.
Anyway, during this time someone told me maybe it was a good idea to journal. He thought it would be a good way to work through my struggles and be good therapy. At the time I had no desire to explore my emotions, if I did that I knew I would drown in them and become useless. As the shock wore off I realized if I was searching to find someone that I could relate to then there was someone else out there searching for the same thing. Infertility is a taboo subject and there are not a lot of women willing to discuss the feelings and emotions that go along with it. It is even harder to find someone who is willing to share it from the perspective of a Jesus Follower. So, I thought, I'll start writing about this and maybe someday I can share it in some way to help someone else. I felt the nudge. With out knowing why, or even being a little reluctant, I did it anyway.
***A few weeks after deciding I was going to start journaling, a Ya-Ya of mine (that's our little word for best friend) e-mailed me a link to a blog she thought I would enjoy. She said this lady had a great story, good photography, awesome recipes and thought that I would enjoy her writing style. My Ya-Ya was right, I fell in love with this blog. While reading her posts it felt like she was talking to me. She was quirky, funny and honest. I thought it was refreshing. Her story was romantic and funny, and it was real life by a real person. Who doesn't like real life stuff, right?
I was utterly inspired. Being in art school I thought what a great way to get my work out there and share it with others. That was my initial thought. I would start a blog and feature my work and favorite things. I would show off some of my crafing skills, artwork and videos. Soon after that resolve I realized, hmm, maybe I could also use it as an avenue to share my infertility journey. My Ya-Ya felt the nudge. She was just sharing a joy of hers with me. Just, because.... She followed through and her actions set in motion other thoughts and actions.
***In true go big or go home style, I started a blog. I had different tabs, different headings, tons of ideas and in the end, very little time to keep up with it. I posted a few entries. My wonderful friends read it and they were so sweet and so supporting. Oh, and in the end it was good therapy. So much more often than not, we cannot really resolve issues in our head with out spewing it all out. We either need to talk it out or write it out. It is good therapy and I highly recommend it. Get it out of the confine of your head and spread it out, sort through it and you'll feel better. Trust me.
As you know, I am in school and with the business of it all my blog was the first thing to fall of the platter of 'things to do' and for about eleven weeks I didn't even touch my blog. Besides, we were kind of in a holding pattern anyway and I didn't have a lot to share. I was for the first time in two years feeling more at peace and just waiting on the Lord to show me what was next. Basically, I didn't have anything to say... I even let my web address expire and chose not to renew it. My busy quarter ended and during my break I felt the need to start up a new blog and share with everyone the news that we were no longer in a holding pattern. I wanted to start at the beginning of this adoption path and share it as we went along. Again, I felt the nudge. One Sunday night, sometime after midnight (which is when I do my best work!) I designed this new little blog and posted the big news. Only assuming my wonderful friends would read it, be able to pray with us and celebrate all the mile stones along the way. God had bigger ideas for that post, life changing plans in fact!
This is turning into an enourmously long post so I will end here, trust me the story gets better, OH SO MUCH BETTER! I'll continue tomorrow.
If you feel a nudge today and don't quite understand it, do it anyway. You never know how your actions will impact others. Trust in the plan that God has and allow Him to use you!
See ya tomorrow! :0)