Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Throwing Out a Fleece of Faith

So this last weekend I went to see Soul Surfer with a few friends.  I found it touching, moving, inspiring and I believe, I even heard God speak to me during the movie. After our miscarriage life has seemed pretty cloudy, I've felt pretty lost, and filtering through it all has been difficult. Early on, it was tempting to turn my back on God.  I entertained thoughts of ending the pursuit and just living this life my own way. Quite honestly, I can remember sitting here at my desk and looking down at my arm with it's huge tattoo that reads, "guide me oh thou Great Jehovah."  and thinking, "Mandy, you're either gonna have to go get that covered up or decide to live by it."  I said last year, that was the point of the tattoo, to be able to look down at it and be reminded daily of who holds my future.  I wanted it to remind me to look to Him when those moments when clarity is lacking attack my life and I feel lost.  LIttle did I know how greatly I would need that reminder in the last few weeks.  I decided to live by it, mostly because I know God has a better plan than anything I could every dream of but I also didn't want to endure the needle again, just yet!  ;D

In the movie they make a big point about finding a new perspective.  That when you are in the middle of a trial you possibly may not see things clearly because you are too close to the subject.  Up close, the picture could be pretty well, not so pretty.   However, if you take a step back and gain a different perspective things could look drastically different.  Even pretty, good.  Beautiful in fact.  

The eye balls of the Dragon Fly are not that pleasing at all but take a few steps back, find yourself a new perspective and you will see the Dragon Fly looks beautiful, elegant and much, much better than when you were looking at its ugliness up close.

Perspective changes everything.

Another point that I gained from the movie was, that, when you take your eyes off of YOU and put it onto others your issues and problems usually disappear or at least pale in comparison.  

I sat in that movie that day and cried and cried.  I could identify with the why asking, I could identify with the confusion, I could identify with trying to understand why bad things happen to good people, but what spoke loudest to me was getting back into life, right away. Don't hide, don't wallow, don't dwell, just move on.  No, thats not easy.  There was a line in the movie that keeps going over and over in my head.  "I don't need easy, I just need possible."  It's not easy, but it is possible.  Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."

The main character, after having her arm bit off by a shark, decides to join her youth group in a missions trip.  This was her way of gaining a little perspective.  While there she narrorates something along the lines about little did she know she would find her perspective/peace in helping a young boy over come his fear of the water.  That's when it hit me.  I need to go serve.  I need to get out of my everyday life, join in a mission and go serve somewhere and show Gods love to others.  I need to give a smile, a hug, a laugh, and I knew in that instant that I would find perspective in that. I knew I would find healing.

This verse has come to mind a few times after seeing the movie as well.  Matthew 25: 42-43  I was hungry and you fed me.  I was thirsty and you gave me a drink. I was homeless and you gave me a room. I was shivering and you gave me clothes. I was sick and you stopped to visit.  I was in prison and you came to me.  (The Message)  It doesn't matter the reasons why you choose to serve, it doesn't matter the path that brought you to where you realized the need to serve, what matters is you want to and you do.  Right?   God just reminds us of this, "Whenever you refuse to help the least of my brothers and sisters you refuse to help me."

If I can cuddle a child, throw a ball with a kid, help a lady with her house work or whatever it is I am called to do I can know that by serving those people I am serving my God. And look, my own issues are already gone!  I have moved on to thinking of others and serving them with my time and talents and now I can easily leave the details of my future in Gods hands, where it belongs!

This leads me to a big point.  I have come across an opportunity to go on a missions trip this summer, in June.  It seems like a perfect opportunity, I'm not in school, I'm  not working full time, my open schedule will allow for this better than any other time in my life.  The hard part is there is about $3500  I have to come up with by May 1st in order to join in this trip.  YIKES, that is not easy and quite honestly seems almost impossible!  (I'm not looking for easy, I'm looking for possible) So, in an effort to help us decide what to do we threw out a little  fleece this evening.  You see, we had paid a big chunk of money to two different adoption agencies last fall in order to get ready for our embryo adoption.  When we met Dave and Diane we had just put that whole process on hold until we saw where that path was leading us.  Now we have been faced with the decision to leave the money with them or ask for a refund.  This money, if refunded would give us over a 1/3rd of the funds needed to go on this trip.  We sent off request e-mails this evening asking for consideration of a full refund from both agencies.  I am asking everyone that reads this today to please keep this in your prayers.  I want to go, yes.  I want to go where God has planned for me, bigger yes.  I want to KNOW KNOW KNOW that each step is taking me down the road God has planned out for me.  Pray for clarity, direction, clarity, direction and clarity and direction!  We are believing that if the refunds come through it is a sign that I am meant to go on this trip this summer.  The next hurdle to cross is that if I am meant to go that there is still room for me on the airplane.  You see I am jumping into this group at the last minute and while the tickets havn't been bought yet they have been reserved. Pray for that as well.  This may not be the trip, God might have other plans, just pray that we know what that is. 

Maybe it is time to stop focusing on becoming pregnant and start focusing on something else, serving others, serving God....